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Welcome to My Official Web Page!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hatshepsut's Name & Looking at a Solar Eclipse Without One of Those Boxes With a Pinhole

This has been a rough week complete with migraines shared by many (yes, Wendy and L.T., I'm looking at you), I thought I'd share something a student passed on to me. It's a list of extracts from actual high school essays in which students were asked to use analogies and metaphors.
I'm warning you, if you're drinking something right now, you should swallow and put the cup down. Some of these almost made me shoot water out my nose.

1. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
2. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00PM instead of 7:30.
3. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with white picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
5. He spoke with a wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Hehehe. Yeah, there will be more fun analogies and metaphors to come at a later date. Happy Thanksgiving Eve to all you Americans out there!


Bane of Anubis said...

5 was hilarious (well, they all were), but 4 scared me b/c I hate that sound (it means I've got to move quickly to get Anubis off the carpet onto the tile).

Reminds me of a couple of essays I read while teaching for The Princeton Review. Most of them were generically bland (per our instructions), but a few were side-splittingly crazy.

Stephanie Thornton said...

Yeah, 5 is my favorite from that bunch. There are some more I'll add later that are real doozies too.

I get some interesting stuff to grade every once in a while- I have a list of student bloopers somewhere that are pretty funny. I remember one student wrote rather eloquent prose about the Roman aqua ducks.

Quack, quack.

Matthew Delman said...

In one college essay, my best friend referenced pink elephants, the Theater Department play ("All in the Timing"), aliens, and Twinkies.

That was for a Philosophy of Religion class. He got an A on that essay (probably for sheer insanity).

Oh and Bane? My wife has already said that when we have kids, my duties are to take care of throw up and diarrhea. She gags every time she even thinks about someone throwing up, and it doesn't help that her parents' Bichons sound like they're dying when they puke.

My favorite for WTF factor has to be number 1 though.

Amalia T. said...

I loved number 1 too. That was great.

In my final on Roman Civilization I started going on about Lead Poisoning as the reason the empire collapsed, just to amuse myself... I must have amused my professor, too, because I got an A.

Faith said...

Number four nearly had me spitting coffee all over my keyboard! Hahaha... thanks for this, and for the linky over to my site :) Cute cartoon!!!

Cort L. Lynn said...

Haha! These would be great in a comedy routine! Oh wow! I love metaphors, but I hate searching for the right one. Sometimes I feel desperate enough to write something little removed from these. Surely I'm not alone. The thing about these is that they're nowhere near cliche. Thanks so much for sharing them.

L. T. Host said...

Awesome :)

I miss educating... students are so fun.

Steph Damore said...

Bane, totally can relate to the dog vomiting on the tile. Same scenario happens at my house.

Personally I liked #3 the best for the WTF factor. Totally original. Thanks for the laughs!

Stephanie Thornton said...

L.T.- Ah yes, students are always good for a laugh. And sometimes they laugh at me too.

Cort- You're totally right- these are no where near cliche! :)

Steph & Bane- That's why I don't have a dog! Although I have a cat and I think she's just about as bad.

Faith- I'm glad I had just swallowed my water or I might have shorted out my keyboard. Wait, can you short a keyboard? Hmmm...

Amalia- That paper must have been great! Sometimes I let my students slide on stuff like that depending on how creative they've been.

Matt- Twinkies and religion? Aliens? Did the Catholic Church approve of that? :)

Lisa and Laura said...

Those metaphors/analogies are hilarious! I think my favorite was the Jeopardy one.

Voidwalker said...

HAHAHA... that's great. I shared a few with my office peeps and they are laughing it up with me. :)

Thanks for that.

And that picture is awesome btw.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I love the sneeze comic - that's priceless. ;-)
Good idea posting that list (I wish I'd thought of it first!). I like to use it as comic relief at my teacher training workshops.
Well, Stephanie, you have me so hooked on your Egyptian whose name keeps me up at night that I had to add you to my sidebar! :)

Stephanie Thornton said...

Voidwalker- My husband and I were in stitches together over those as I was posting them. The next round will be even better!

Shannon- Thanks! You're on my sidebar too!

The romantic query letter and the happy-ever-after said...

SNL writers look-out. This child is very talented and should be encouraged. 'Nancy Kerrigan's teeth,' why it's brilliant I tell ya.
Thanks for sharing.

Bethany Mattingly said...

I noticed your comment on another blog and thought I'd stop by yours. I'm so glad I did. :) The analogies/metaphors were hilarious!!

Stephanie Thornton said...

Hi Bethany! Glad you got a kick out of them- I thought they were worth a laugh or two. :)

Anonymous said...

if ur trying 2 say her name just say hat cheap suit or hot cheese soup my history teacher told me those hes awesome